it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
