...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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