explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
