6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
