so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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