Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
