Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
