i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Randomize
