Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
