you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm like, not good at living.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
