C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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