I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
