hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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