Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
