People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
