She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just had sex on a roof
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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