To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize