I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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