i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The air was thick with penises
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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