My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
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Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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