Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
