I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We're not piercing ourselves today.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
