She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
