Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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