It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
