Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
