I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
