Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
