I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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