cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
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She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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