You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
