When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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