I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
