Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
