I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
