The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
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She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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