I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
