Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
try to milk me bitch
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