so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
