do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
