ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
