I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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