my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
