you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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