The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
