I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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