My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
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Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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