New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
