I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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