I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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