man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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