i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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