Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
