There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
