I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
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I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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