Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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