She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
