When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
