my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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