Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
