hotel room ftw
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
