I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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